I used to think I was just really bad at adulting. Other people seemed to be functioning at a level far beyond me. Sometimes, simply taking a shower becomes an elaborate task that my mind somehow feels overwhelmed with. First, I have to wash and condition my hair, and my hair is so thick and full so it's a process getting all the product distributed evenly in my hair. Then I have to think about what soap I'm going to use, or maybe I'll go with a body scrub or body wash this time? My face wash (which I know they say you aren't supposed to wash your face in the shower because you really should be washing your face with cold water and not warm water), and what kind I will use today. However, if I didn't wash my face in the shower, I would simply not get it done. Therefore, even though I know it dries out your skin to do so, I wash my face in the shower. There's the task of finding a towel and a washcloth, deciding what you are going to wear. Figuring out if I'm going to blow-dry my hair or let it air dry even though I hate the feeling of wet hair and I can't stand leaving my hair down to air dry. Am I going to style my hair? Which could take five minutes if I throw it in a bun, or it could take like...two hours because my hair is super thick and never does what I want it to do when I want it to do something specific. Then I have to decide if I'm going to wear makeup, and what products to use. Am I just doing quick foundation, concealer, and mascara, or am I going to go to the trouble to use blush and eyeshadow and eyeliner, which will take me longer to do? All of these things, believe it or not, seem like fairly simple tasks, maybe things that most people can complete and get done without having to think about them. But I have ADHD, and the thought of taking a shower, even though I like to keep myself clean and hygienic, always feels like a daunting task and a super high wall that I have to climb every single day. I have to hope that this routine won't spill into the next, or I'll be able to get everything done in time so I can start my actual daily schedule for the day.
Just a simple task like that gets out of control very quickly. I have piles of unfolded laundry on my sofa; I keep looking at them every day and saying to myself that I will get to that today, but it never happens. Things quickly pile up around me and become super overwhelming fast. As you can imagine, this makes it difficult if not impossible for me to find a consistent balance in my life. The closest I have gotten to some form of consistent routine in my life has been wake up, make coffee, do my morning puzzles. After that, it seems, I just don't know where to begin on the various tasks that need to get done for the day. I like my quiet, peaceful mornings. I like the feeling of not having to stress and just drink my coffee, do my puzzles, and maybe read an article or a chapter of a book I'm currently trying to finish reading. When I was a teacher, I had the consistent schedule of the school day that drove me, like a robot, to wake up and be semi-prepared for the day, although if I'm being honest, there were a LOT of school days where I would go to school and have no idea what I was teaching for the day. I used to get to work an hour early every day just so I could plan my lesson for the day last minute. That was my routine. I couldn't find it in me to stay late after school to plan or come home and plan. I couldn't focus until that looming deadline was literally minutes away, and for some reason or another, I came up with the most creative lesson ideas in that one hour before the kids started filing in. It gave the illusion that I had prepared and thought about it well ahead of time. I credit my creative brain for the most part for saving my job to the point that I could function. Without the creativity flowing and the constant ideas and inspirations that happen on a day-to-day basis in that job, I probably wouldn't have lasted the nine years I did as a teacher.
All that being said, as I reflect on these things and think about the many imbalances in my life; finding an exercise routine I like, eating healthier, remembering to fold the laundry, not losing my interest and becoming hyper focused on an insignificant detail the whole day...I can see my issues. They are right in front of me. It's like, I know exactly what to do to fix these problems, things that I call my "character flaws" because I feel like if I was some heroic literary character, these things would be my flaws. My inner perfectionist yearns to check everything off the to-do list and have a sparkling clean house all the time. I go to my parents' house and see how clean and organized everything is, and I'm like, how do they do it? How do they manage to keep things stable? I know I can't. My mind and my life many times just feels like this tornado or hurricane cycling around, and it's my job to pick up the aftermath of the storm, but the task of that becomes so overwhelming that sometimes I feel like giving up.
Recently, I have found a good website resource that I am hoping to utilize not only for myself for therapy and skills work, but also to use as a future therapist for many of my patients. The website, Therapist Aid, has many worksheets and free downloadable workbooks and ideas to help get you started with therapy and make sense of all the things jumbled around in your head. For me, I plan on making a binder and working at it slowly. In the past, I have done a morning routine where I had a "therapy" notebook, and I completed one self-care or therapy worksheet every morning. It actually helped me a lot, and I was able to go back and read my responses and really think about the things I'd discovered about myself. My hope is that you might find the same type of help, so I'm leaving the link to that website below in case you want to check it out.
As I have said before, the one thing an adult ADHD-er repeats over and over again is "if I could just stick to it". It's that phrase that plays out over and over in our heads and makes us question our sanity and very existence as adults. Why can't we "stick to the plan"? That is the problem I am continually trying to solve every single day of my life. Maybe one day I will figure it out and finally feel at peace with myself.
Therapist Aid website: https://www.therapistaid.com/
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